A message from Tyler Wheedam to the esteemed employees of Wheedam Rubber Inc and the good people of Hayesville, Iowa
By Everett Kehew
Setting the scene: I am a communications manager for Wheedam Rubber Inc, Iowa’s premier manufacturer of bouncy balls. The great-grandson of the esteemed founder has decided to transform the company into Iowa’s next cryptocurrency superpower. The majority of employees will be reassigned from the assembly line. Where once they forged the bounciest balls in the Midwest, now they will ride stationary bikes to power the supercomputer that mines crypto. Unfortunately, this will require a 10% reduction in the workforce. It falls upon my shoulders to communicate this news to our valued employees and to the public.
Begin Employee letter
To our trusted employees,
It seems like just yesterday that Ignatius Wheedam II first laid eyes on a rubber ball and saw within it—as if it were made of crystal—his future.
In the years since, Wheedam Inc. has bounded out of Ma Wheedam’s basement and become the juggernaut that it is today, employing nearly half of Hayesville, Iowa and dominating the rubber ball market in just about every schoolyard from here to Kansas City.
We—no—you, the employees, have built this business into something incredible. In fact, you have built all of southeastern Iowa into something incredible. Whether natural rubber or synthetic, you folks can take that raw material into your hardworking hands and mould it into balls that bounce higher than our competitors.
We find ourselves now bouncing into the future. Old Man Wheedam, when he stared into that rubber ball, could never have predicted the twists and turns that our country would be going through, and could never have anticipated the business opportunities that would be open to his progeny so many years down the line.
That’s why I am excited to announce a new direction for Wheedam Inc, a new direction that will bounce us up and out of the schoolyard and into the future.
I am proud to announce that we will be transitioning our productive capacities to BounceCoin, effective immediately.
BounceCoin is a hot new cryptocurrency that promises to disrupt the status quo with its innovative and eco-friendly new production methods. We’re taking what makes Wheedam Inc. great—its employees, its commitment to excellence, and its bold vision—and using it to take BounceCoin to the apex of the crypto market.
That’s where you come in, valued employees. We need you (yes, you!) to power this transition, literally!
It turns out not even Old Man Wheedam with his magic rubber ball could have known just how much electricity a crypto-mining computer uses, and we have made the bold decision to make our employees a key part of that process.
That’s why we are retrofitting our factory with stationary bikes that will generate the energy to squeeze that sweet BounceCoin out of the internet. Talk about people power!
You’ve probably heard news about layoffs, and I’ll take this time to address the elephant in the room. As excited we are for most of you to come with us in our new direction, this will sadly mark the point when a select few of you will have to bounce along to greener pastures.
But we are confident that with the expertise from your time at Wheedam—and with our good name behind you—you should have no trouble finding employment in one of our great state’s many rubber plants.
You know what they say: You can’t keep a Wheedam boy down—they always bounce back!
If you do want to stay with Wheedam, you’re in luck! We haven’t decided who we will part ways with yet.
Starting next week, we will be having tryouts for our new BounceCoin Supercentre at the Hayesville velodrome to see who can really lay rubber on a bike! So bring your tightest shorts and your winningest attitude. Let’s keep those jobs!
Your loving proprietor,
Tyler Wheedam
Begin Letter to the Public
Esteemed residents of Southeastern Iowa,
What does Wheedam Rubber Inc. mean to you? For me, it means a dream, a vision first glimpsed by my great-grandfather when he found out that rubber grows on trees, a vision of a big, proud factory standing on a hill, bringing good jobs to Iowans and bouncy balls to Iowa’s schoolchildren.
Wheedam Rubber Inc., to me, means something firm we can hold on to. As long as Wheedam Rubber is still making bouncy balls in Iowa, we know in our hearts that the American Dream is still alive.
But what if I told you that Wheedam Rubber wasn’t going to be making bouncy balls anymore? Would you still believe in America?
What if I told you that Wheedam was going to be making something better? Would you believe in a better America?
We are doing just that.
Now, I won’t lie; the pandemic hit us hard. Kids just weren’t playing with bouncy balls on the schoolyard.
That’s why we are transitioning Wheedam Rubber Inc. to something that not even a pandemic can touch. Something grounded, immovable, eternal. Something American.
That’s right; I’m talking about cryptocurrency. Effective immediately, we are reshaping our productive capacities to produce BounceCoin: The Cryptocurrency That Always Bounces Back ©.
BounceCoin takes everything that’s great about cryptocurrency—reliability, abundance, anonymity— and combines it with everything that is great about Southeastern Iowans—down-to-earth, hardworking, unstoppable.
We’re partnering with Schwinn to provide strong American bikes for strong American jobs in our state-of-the-art pedal-powered supercomputer. It will employ almost 90% of our current workforce, because Wheedam always puts the good people of Southeastern Iowa first.
So how can you, as an everyday Iowan, cash in on this lucrative opportunity? BounceCoin is now freely available on most cryptocurrency trading platforms. We are giving Iowans the unique chance to get in on the ground floor of this unique investment opportunity.
Remember: an investment in BounceCoin is an investment in your community.
In solidarity,
Tyler Wheedam